Oh thank you! It’s been a sea of different emotions through this past year and sometimes I can’t believe we made it 😱 it was so tough but so beautiful too.
My daughter turned 3 earlier this year and the first birthday was definitely the hardest! I really struggled that year, but was ok with the 2nd and 3rd. It’s honestly got more and more fun seeing her grow into herself and I wouldn’t go back. We even managed to stop breastfeeding just after her third birthday which I couldn’t have imagined a year ago but all of a sudden I was ready and she was no longer bothered, so it felt right! Sending you lots of love, it’s such an emotional time I know but I expect now that the actual date has passed you’re feeling better! X
Ah yes I do love seeing his little personality come out, that’s true. He’s so quirky and yet I also see a lot of myself in him, which is a little scary! I am excited for what’s to come, and that’s where the joy comes in I think - I just find it hard that he seems to change so quickly…
This was beautiful to read Holly. Happy birthday to your little boy and birth day to you. So much came up for me around the first birthdays as we have discussed, it is a huge milestone obviously for our children but also in terms of surviving the seismic changes during the first year of parenthood. I remember feeling bad that I hadn’t celebrated my friends who were mothers more on their children’s first birthdays (and beyond!)
It also felt so much like my own birth day, becoming a mother and remembering the birth. I too suffered a very serious PPH and it took until I became pregnant again to really think about it properly, and I am not sure it is fully processed even now. I am so sorry you had to go through that.
I remember hearing somewhere that motherhood is a series of many little griefs, it does feel like that often but also things evolve and change in wild and wonderful ways xx
Oh Lyndsay, I’m so sorry to hear about your PPH. It is awful to go through. I’m grateful for therapy helping me to process it, but it will always be one of the most terrible and scary days of my life. I felt such a mix of happiness and sadness on his birthday because I was thinking all those ‘this time last year’ thoughts, and it really was not pleasant. I had to work through a lot of that on his birthday, and that took me by surprise for sure.
Thank you for sharing your story Holly, this was just beautiful to read - you encapsulate those moments of grief and joy together so well. I think it's a huge turning point when your child turns 1, it comes around so much quicker than you ever expect it to and like you say you do grieve those baby days. But it is amazing to see their little personalities developing too. My youngest just turned 2 and his 2nd birthday felt like it came around even quicker than his first! I love when you describe those days when it's just the two of you snuggled together feeding, it's such a special time having that bond together. I'm slowly weaning my youngest off the boob now and I'm so sad for the journey to end but with him being pretty rough now as toddlers are, its the right time! Xx
The feeding definitely felt like a burden in the early days (although it was something I 100% wanted to do), especially when I was so tired but no one else could feed him for me. Now I love it: a rekindling of that cosy bond we used to have! I can’t dream of weaning him off it; he rejected me once when I was a bit sweaty after a run, and I felt so so sad!
I agree, it is so so hard in the early days, especially if your milk doesn't come in quick enough too and it's all on you. But it does get easier and like you say it's a bonding thing too. I also like the chance to escape upstairs and feed in the quiet too. Saying that, just this week I've dropped the nap time feed so we are down to 1 bedtime feed a day and that's it. I think the bedtime feed will be the hardest to drop so I'll brace myself!
So vulnerable, Holly. I'm feeling so many of these same feelings as my daughter turns one today, too. Holding you and your precious one in my heart as you celebrate and mourn the highs and lows of the past year. You made it, mama!
My son turns 3 in a few days. I’m feeling more ok with it than I did when he turned 1. Those first 2 years I felt like I was always grasping onto the stage and age he was in. Loving it and not wanting him to get older so fast.
My daughter turns 1 next month and it feels a lot easier this time around. Probably helps that I’ve spent soo much time with her. I was with my son a lot too, but we had a lot more time out and about with friends and the occasional afternoon with his grandparents. Life now though means I’m with the kids always and so I have made a conscious effort to soak up every moment. I’m less panicky about my daughter becoming a toddler now, and more just enjoying the process. I think knowing what’s coming also helps. It gets more fun and I fall in love with them more everyday ! ☺️
I totally agree with what you say about it becoming more fun every day - and that’s what I try to remember when I find myself grieving the tiny baby he used to be. There is so much of his character now that wasn’t there when he was a newborn and skills that he’s grasping and taking joy in - and I know that will only multiply through toddlerhood. Trying to see the positives 🙏🙏🙏
The positives can be hard, it HAS taken me to have another child to be somewhat ok with them growing haha but they truly are so fun to get to know as they morph into themselves and their little quirks and personalities
My son turns one in a little under two weeks and I feel a lot of this, very deeply. Thanks for sharing your story, Holly. And happy 1st birthday to your boy 💫
Thank you for reading - I’m glad it resonated. Wishing you all the strength for this season of ups and downs, and the happiest of first birthdays for your little one.
“You are my heart, somehow outside of my body and toddling around on little chunky legs, grasping at anything and everything within your reach.” Love, love this line. Loved so many images painted here. Holly, thank you for sharing this beautiful piece that embraces the complexity of motherhood.
Beautiful :) Often, I sit alone with my most intimate feelings. Even when I write about them, they are quite coded.
Thank you for sharing this mix of emotions and experiences. I felt happy, but I was also in denial that my little one had grown so fast. I still think it was just yesterday when my husband held her. I was wondering what her favorite colour would be if she would be chatty or not, and what her favourite books would be.
This brings back so many memories! My babies are 9 and 10, but those first months never really leave you. Congratulations on birthday #1
Oh thank you! It’s been a sea of different emotions through this past year and sometimes I can’t believe we made it 😱 it was so tough but so beautiful too.
Thank you ❤️ - yes, a break from the chaos is always welcome!!
My daughter turned 3 earlier this year and the first birthday was definitely the hardest! I really struggled that year, but was ok with the 2nd and 3rd. It’s honestly got more and more fun seeing her grow into herself and I wouldn’t go back. We even managed to stop breastfeeding just after her third birthday which I couldn’t have imagined a year ago but all of a sudden I was ready and she was no longer bothered, so it felt right! Sending you lots of love, it’s such an emotional time I know but I expect now that the actual date has passed you’re feeling better! X
Ah yes I do love seeing his little personality come out, that’s true. He’s so quirky and yet I also see a lot of myself in him, which is a little scary! I am excited for what’s to come, and that’s where the joy comes in I think - I just find it hard that he seems to change so quickly…
This was beautiful to read Holly. Happy birthday to your little boy and birth day to you. So much came up for me around the first birthdays as we have discussed, it is a huge milestone obviously for our children but also in terms of surviving the seismic changes during the first year of parenthood. I remember feeling bad that I hadn’t celebrated my friends who were mothers more on their children’s first birthdays (and beyond!)
It also felt so much like my own birth day, becoming a mother and remembering the birth. I too suffered a very serious PPH and it took until I became pregnant again to really think about it properly, and I am not sure it is fully processed even now. I am so sorry you had to go through that.
I remember hearing somewhere that motherhood is a series of many little griefs, it does feel like that often but also things evolve and change in wild and wonderful ways xx
Oh Lyndsay, I’m so sorry to hear about your PPH. It is awful to go through. I’m grateful for therapy helping me to process it, but it will always be one of the most terrible and scary days of my life. I felt such a mix of happiness and sadness on his birthday because I was thinking all those ‘this time last year’ thoughts, and it really was not pleasant. I had to work through a lot of that on his birthday, and that took me by surprise for sure.
Thank you for sharing your story Holly, this was just beautiful to read - you encapsulate those moments of grief and joy together so well. I think it's a huge turning point when your child turns 1, it comes around so much quicker than you ever expect it to and like you say you do grieve those baby days. But it is amazing to see their little personalities developing too. My youngest just turned 2 and his 2nd birthday felt like it came around even quicker than his first! I love when you describe those days when it's just the two of you snuggled together feeding, it's such a special time having that bond together. I'm slowly weaning my youngest off the boob now and I'm so sad for the journey to end but with him being pretty rough now as toddlers are, its the right time! Xx
The feeding definitely felt like a burden in the early days (although it was something I 100% wanted to do), especially when I was so tired but no one else could feed him for me. Now I love it: a rekindling of that cosy bond we used to have! I can’t dream of weaning him off it; he rejected me once when I was a bit sweaty after a run, and I felt so so sad!
I agree, it is so so hard in the early days, especially if your milk doesn't come in quick enough too and it's all on you. But it does get easier and like you say it's a bonding thing too. I also like the chance to escape upstairs and feed in the quiet too. Saying that, just this week I've dropped the nap time feed so we are down to 1 bedtime feed a day and that's it. I think the bedtime feed will be the hardest to drop so I'll brace myself!
Wishing you all the best as you wean your little one off! (And I am so with you on taking the opportunity to escape into the quiet…)
So vulnerable, Holly. I'm feeling so many of these same feelings as my daughter turns one today, too. Holding you and your precious one in my heart as you celebrate and mourn the highs and lows of the past year. You made it, mama!
Holding you in my heart today too - happy baby day mama!
My son turns 3 in a few days. I’m feeling more ok with it than I did when he turned 1. Those first 2 years I felt like I was always grasping onto the stage and age he was in. Loving it and not wanting him to get older so fast.
My daughter turns 1 next month and it feels a lot easier this time around. Probably helps that I’ve spent soo much time with her. I was with my son a lot too, but we had a lot more time out and about with friends and the occasional afternoon with his grandparents. Life now though means I’m with the kids always and so I have made a conscious effort to soak up every moment. I’m less panicky about my daughter becoming a toddler now, and more just enjoying the process. I think knowing what’s coming also helps. It gets more fun and I fall in love with them more everyday ! ☺️
I totally agree with what you say about it becoming more fun every day - and that’s what I try to remember when I find myself grieving the tiny baby he used to be. There is so much of his character now that wasn’t there when he was a newborn and skills that he’s grasping and taking joy in - and I know that will only multiply through toddlerhood. Trying to see the positives 🙏🙏🙏
The positives can be hard, it HAS taken me to have another child to be somewhat ok with them growing haha but they truly are so fun to get to know as they morph into themselves and their little quirks and personalities
Oh it is so fun isn’t it! I do love his little personality coming through.
My son turns one in a little under two weeks and I feel a lot of this, very deeply. Thanks for sharing your story, Holly. And happy 1st birthday to your boy 💫
Thank you for reading - I’m glad it resonated. Wishing you all the strength for this season of ups and downs, and the happiest of first birthdays for your little one.
“You are my heart, somehow outside of my body and toddling around on little chunky legs, grasping at anything and everything within your reach.” Love, love this line. Loved so many images painted here. Holly, thank you for sharing this beautiful piece that embraces the complexity of motherhood.
Thank you for enjoying it! It’s been such a year and I just tried to capture my own experience and link it with those of past mothers 🥰
Beautiful :) Often, I sit alone with my most intimate feelings. Even when I write about them, they are quite coded.
Thank you for sharing this mix of emotions and experiences. I felt happy, but I was also in denial that my little one had grown so fast. I still think it was just yesterday when my husband held her. I was wondering what her favorite colour would be if she would be chatty or not, and what her favourite books would be.